Adventures of Luke Floorwalker in China Part Two, -Toilets, Ladies and Little Green Men (LGMs)

Chinese Toilets Instruction Manual (Luke Floorwalker)

This is a little long so read it if you like at your own speed if you want….
Firstly let me just say one thing, China is like a planet. I am just learning the surface topology and the very beginnings of a match inside a matchbox sitting in a draw in another planet….

Well upon entering china we found that toilets here are very different.
The first toilet I experienced in China was at a highway stopping point and I remember it vividly. I walked in and the troughs were low but vast. They stretched as far as the eye could see. I went woooooooooow, like Neo says in the matrix.

The next toilet that was encountered on this toilet adventure was at my apartment. I managed to figure out how to sit on the low seat. I broke it! Oh well. I felt really bad. The next week the toilet seat was magically replaced by our little land lady.

Instruction manual:

1. The flushing system is a complex one; it has many more variables than in Australia. You have to carefully give the flushing device more power or less. Sometimes you can give too much water and this will flood the whole bathroom. Once after a few drinks a friend of mine managed to flood a whole hotel lobby with this later method.
2. BYOTP sometimes- I have been personally caught out in a few situations and regretted the fact that one had to BYOTP
3. There are many styles of toilets- pits, holes, weird looking trough systems with taps and cloths hanging everywhere
4. A lot of water runs in many directions- just a little squirt on the tap and the water fly’s everywhere in many directions, it rains toilet water upwards
5. Privacy is an option- At a KFC I walked into the male bathroom and realized as I was just about to go to the trough that there was a direct line of sight between the troughs and the outside world, about 5 Chinese women were using the shared hand basin and looking around the corner. It was a terrible fright and I decided to use the cubicles.
At work a similar situation happened at the end of the day when I was going to the ‘trough’ and the bus that takes most of the employee’s home from work waits right out the front of the toilets with the window wide open in front of the toilets.

John and I thought that it would be an adventure to go and stay at a YHA in Shanghai around the Chinese New Year Spring Festival time period.

It was maaaaaaaaaad! The Chinese Firework Operators sometimes have no concept of safety. It’s cool. Outside the front of our Hotel they let off seriously big fireworks in the middle of the street. VW Santana Taxis and other cars happily drove past trying to avoid explosions sometimes only cm away from their fuel tanks.

The atmosphere of YHA’s anywhere is excellent for young travelers, lots of young people and travelers. However it was very hard to find a bed. When trying to book the place on Chinese New Years Eve (Maybee we should have thought about it earlier) the rude dude on the phone just told me that they were full and hung up.

I talked to Bei Bei and she said, no don’t worry and made a few calls. Her friend used to work here and still knows the people. After her friend helped us, we asked for a ladies name behind the desk. This was the secret code and then she was really helpful and we had two beds. The place was full.

I am really going to miss Bei Bei. She is really one of the happiest yet mature people I have ever met. She has helped us so much in this country and her family has welcomed us like we were part of it. She has been the universal translator and we would have been so lost without her at work and in the Chinese real world if she had not been there. She is a really good friend now who I will keep updated about my adventures.

I told her to go on adventures with Dan around China and just sometimes chill out. It makes you feel better.

We met these funny American teachers and Engineers who were in Shanghai just for the Chinese New Year celebration. They had flown in from Korea. They had been working there for the last 11 months. They love it. They said that “it is sweet; however we still hardly speak the language.”

The civil engineer is a funny dude. He told me about Korean toilets.
Paraphrasing his story…

Once I went to a tent, it was a big one of the canvas sort. Inside was this cool construction. A Toilet.
At one end was a pit. At the other end was there is an elevated construction and piping system, troughs. It was leaky. You peed in one end and it all flowed to the pit at the other end. It worked on gravity. It was wood. And it was a square spiraling system, on a hill.

I went in and peed and realized mine is mixing up with all the other dudes pee and running off to the pit. Everything goes to the pit. It was maaaaaaaaaad.

The next day on the toilet instruction manual tour:

The next day in Shanghai, John and the funny Korean army dudes walked around shanghai. Now Korean army dudes have seen many things and John tells me being in the Korean Army is good for the body but not good mentally. They told us all about the craziness of the Korean army and their experiences in it, getting beaten up, and beating dudes with iron bars. They told me, via John, my trusted good friend and universal Aussie Korean Chef and translator that they were getting ready to climb a mountain in Korea. I think John misses his homeland. I think John should go there and adventure by himself or maybe with a friend. We walked around went to the markets and ate some food,

We came to Hangzhou and the taxi driver dropped us off in the middle of nowhere. It was a tad cold, about -2 degrees and blowing a strong westerly gale that had flown on its own adventure through past millions of others on there own little adventures in Russia, Western China and to us. Therefore we looked around and found the way to our hostel via the maps that were in Chinese and the map given to us.
The Hostel is different, from the outside it looks like an excellent hotel and then when you go inside it still looks like an excellent hotel, it is clean and the sheets are nice and fresh. However there are some strange things about it. For instance, you never get your own key to your room and there is an awful lot of paper work just to check in. The toilets are only on certain floors and the showers are made for lepricorns.

Oh yeah speaking about things made for lepricorns, the beds in the hostel we stayed at last night were made for lepricorns, I sat down and nearly broke my bed, I ended up getting up a few times to readjust the settings past their default levels to maximum tension on the springs underneath the bed .


Yeah LGMS, (little green men) at the traffic lights are very different here. In other countries I think there are set country standards for LGMs telling you to cross the road.

Here Chinese are very creative. I have noticed that LGMs are in different positions in different cities. In Wuxi they have the Charlie Chapman Stance and in Hangzhou they are doing some weird type of break dance walking. It looks very entertaining, however I must remember to walk over the streets and pray to the road goddess and watch out. I cannot get distracted by the LGMs.

Let me see, Hangzhou, a small unpolluted beautiful city of approximately 10 million Yet a city of contrasts split by mountains.
I went voluntary Rock Climbing here without ropes with the Chinese dudes and a plastic bag and a digital camera. Let me see. My digital camera is now broken. My plastic bag is gone, it’s very holy. And the memories are magnificent. It was a real adventure with John, Kiet and Ly. We also went with some new Korean friends of ours. I think they thought I was a little crazy. Oh well. Kiet also kicked a water bottle off a cliff and I said, no worries I will get it.

After skiing down some mud and leaves. I got it! Wow. Went to chuck it to the top but kept falling over.
After this day Ly tells me, Luke for a moment there we thought we had lost you. For a moment when I slipped I came very close. The water bottle is now in oblivion somewhere. I don’t think I will do that again.



This is what I wrote about Hangzhou after my second day in the city…

Let me see,
Today was one of those days you can only experience a few times in a lifetime. Or maybe just once.

I was with my dear friends on an adventure, this time we were in Hangzhou, one of the most beautiful cities I have ever been to in the world. It must compare with Paris, Venice, Melbourne, Dublin and Sydney.

Mountains spring out of a lake; an icy wind blows maple leaves to catch. Everywhere people enjoy one of China’s jewels. This city is affluent. A beautiful city with a long history that attracts beautiful people. After visiting Shanghai and Wuxi; this city has a little more decorum for a city in China. If one smiles and is happy the response is wonderful in China, happy polite people. However in Hangzhou sometimes one could say that people are not as arrogant as Shanghai, if one were to generalize.

We were walking in the city near the west lake admiring the beauty. We were with our new Korean friends, John was the translator and we were free to see the city. It was icy cold. Layers of ice as thick as folded socks were abound around little corners, if your mind let you find them. ..

Not every now and then do you see a person in their country after knowing them from another country that is so special to you near the lovely fountain. I saw a fountain, it was like a snake, it jumped up and down and disappeared. Children played. I walked to it. I wanted a closer look to see how it works? It is a fountain that plays with the observer. Amazing.

A familiar voice echoed “Luke?” For an instant I thought it was Ly. I turned around… it was Grace.

On the way back from this city walking near trains makes me a different person that I do not like. In many places small children beg. I just have to say “No”, and keep walking. Bei Bei and her relatives have told me about the stories. Some of these people controlling these little ones are well off. So in essence giving to these children is feeding their greed, however this is a generalization. One really wishes to instantly see that individual’s story at that moment to see if they really need it, I have given them food before. They took it. I never give money, I just give food. Once I was eating a pizza. A lady asked me for money I gave her the rest of the pizza. She seemed dumbfounded and disappointed. I smiled and ran off like the wind.

Until next time. Goodbye China. I will be back many many times on many more adventures and business.On the train ride home, for some reason after learning the language a little, I noticed that people are very accommodating of others when they have to be. I fell into a dreamy like sleep in contorted position centimeters away from a middle aged relative looking after his little 4ish year old. We both moved so that the 4ish year old could stretch out. Children should be treasured and happy. I couldn’t communicate effectively with him however we knew the common goal was to sleep as comfortably as possible while accommodating the little one. Every moment I feel welcomed here, but at this precise moment I felt like I was a part of the culture for a moment, on this train that was powering through the cold winter winds and mists.
China is powering through the winter mists into its own light at tremendous pace…but where is this train going? Experience it if you get a chance. And if you want someone to hold your bag, I will really endeavor to find time and resources for a moment just for the adventure…

Now I must go for there are decisions to be made…